I live in a small town out in the middle of nowhere about 70 miles from anywhere. its hard to say that sanity is easy to keep around here especially when people that you know and love drop and die all the time almost monthly. alcohol, rape, drugs, and just not giving a high flying fuck about others is the common around here, but one thing that shook our small reservation was the year of 2011 when 17 teenagers reservation wide took their lives some leaving reasons and some just leaving. it was the saddest year out here in the boonies, as the small communities of our rez had to put 17 kids in the ground. most of these kids hung themselves some even did it while their parents were home.
things like this always make people think. Hell it made me think. it even broke my heart to know that these kids, our future are ending their young lives so early. then I thought back bout six or seven years ago back when I was in high school. my parents were dead my mom when I was in 8th grade and my dad my freshman year. both died a year apart from each other. this left me feeling empty and thats all I had was my brothers but they were just as lost as I was. and there were Some Nights where I thought of killing myself a bullet to the head and it’ll be all over.
the kids at my school didn’t care that I was in a world of hurt. they continued to go on with their school lives, only my friends would try to make me feel better, but some kids took advantage of all of this pain as I went about my school. Popular girls placed bets on me and my brothers to see who would kill themselves first. and some of the tought guy assholes pushed me around laughing and joking about my parents death and that I didn’t deserve parents and that I should as they put it “go off yer self faggot!!!”
One day I sat with my back propped up against my locker. I thought about committing suicide just ending it all. I wasn’t crying I didn’t feel bad thats all I had was this feeling to walk home and go into my room lock the door and load three rounds into my dad’s ole AR-15 and pull the Goddamn trigger. soon enough I found myself stairing down the berrel of my dad’s old AR-15 the time was 1:25 PM and I ditched out of school to do this and I was cocksure that I was gonna do it the squeeze of the trigger was all that I needed to do. I closed my eyes and thought here I come dad!! then my room door swung open as my brothers wrestled the gun away from me. I realized how selfish I was being.
PArt two coming soon….. my story aint finished.